Breathe into me
by FairyPriestess
Summary: Bella returns to Forks for the summer to heal from a traumatic past. Reconnecting with old friends and old flames, Bella’s friends give her a gift that she never expected. M for Limes, lemons, language, and laughter. First fanfic! AH/OOC
1. Chapter 1

***Author's Note:**

**I do NOT own Twilight. Shocker, I know. I do, however, enjoy playing with Ms. Meyer's characters! They're just too damn sexy NOT to grease up, ink up, and sex up!**

**This is my first fanfiction submission, and I'm a bit nervous, but welcome any helpful encouragement or feedback! **

PROLOGUE

*BPOV*

Fuck. My. Life.

And here he was, of all places, at the Forks Annual Festival. Why did I let them talk me into this stupid day? "It'll get your mind off of things," Alice had said. Right. Like my mind is capable of thinking of anything else but one particular gorgeous man and the things he does to my body with a mere breath in my direction. Here he is in all of his tan, toned, inked, muscled glory. Amber hair blazing in the sun, stirred by the ocean breezes and its own natural tendencies for disarray. And looking more like a Greek God than anyone has a right to. _Ungh!_ Did he just run his fingers through that sex hair? Of course he did. Would anyone notice if I dipped him in the carmel apple sauce and offered to lick him off? It would be like, a good deed or something, right?

And who is my completely unattainable Adonis sitting next to on the now holy shrine of picnic tables? No other than my almost 7 foot tall, equally muscled, olive skinned, childhood friend, Jake. With heads bowed down toward one another, talking feverishly, about what I can only imagine. I doubt their conversation has much to do with Rose's famous coconut pie or Alice's color coordinated picnic ware. Nope. This looked like the kind of conversation that can mean nothing good for a girl like me.

From my stance at the edge of the park, not too far from where the youngest Forks locals are competing to see who can spin the fastest on the tire swing, not too far away from Mrs. Newton's doily and craft booth, not too far from the Dunk A Police Officer Fundraiser Booth, nor too far from where Jasper and Emmitt are strategizing about how much they can eat at one day-long festival, I can see Edward's eyebrows furrow. His shining emerald eyes black as pitch and… _Crap…_ zoned in on ME!

Jacob too is glancing in my direction, looking up every now and then from his position above Edward's shoulder. Jake has a small smirk on his lips as he leans closer to Mr. Sex Hair himself and whispers something else. Whatever this last hushed message had been from my childhood friend, Edward's eyes blazed with a new intensity. His forearms flexed and his jaw snapped shut. Too quickly Edward turns to Jake and mumbles something before standing up from their picnic table tête-à-tête. Maybe he just wants a corndog, I tell myself.

Edward folds and unfolds his beautiful, magical hands around the beer bottle he's holding. Oh, to be that beer bottle! Observing the way his fingers roll the bottle I am lost for a moment, as is my concern for anything Jake could've told him. I become mesmerized by those hands, remembering the ways they touched me, the way _he_ touched me. My body remembering the deep parts of me that were both healed and awakened by those touches. I can't help but wonder about where else those godly hands might go next. Maybe if I begged? And then there is a rush of blood to my face as I feel the arousal pool between my thighs and my nipples harden at the memory. Stupid, girl. Calm yourself! This is a family festival.

Oh shit! My Adonis is walking closer now. Strutting really. Head cocked, sexy crooked damn smile back on his chiseled, flawless face. The only reason I snap out of my daydream-worship of his hands is because the objects of my fantasies have now swung backwards, out of view, looped casually into the back pockets of his button fly jeans. As I follow the motion of his hands, I'm left trying not to stare at how perfectly his worn, holey jeans fit just right below his hips and stretch across his thighs. My eyes flow upward, appreciating how his soft, worn in t-shirt moves across his chiseled chest and broad shoulders. He catches me staring and lets out a low chuckle.

My Adonis speaks. "Bella."

I. Am. So. Fucked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: I do not own Twilight or any other recognizable bits, but I sure appreciate using them as a canvas for my imagination!**

**Happy reading!**

_Several months prior..._

"Thanks, Char, er, Dad."

"Well, no problem, Bells. Sue and I don't get much use out of the old place these days anyway. Just glad to have you home, kiddo," Charlie says, scratching the back of his neck and glancing around the dusty living room.

"No really. It's great. Thanks." I'm grateful for the space, but feeling awkward about moving home after all this time. Even if I have the house to myself, there's still something shitty about being a grown woman who has to run home with her tail between her legs when she couldn't make it in the real world like a big girl. Ugh.

"Alright, well, I'll let you get to it," Charlie says with a hug and a pat on the back. The hug is brief, but more than I expect. That's that great thing about Charlie: he doesn't hover. "Did you want to come over to the Rez for dinner? Jacob's already been asking about you."

"Umm… Maybe not tonight. Long trip and all that; I'm pretty tired. Besides, I think Alice and Rose will be swinging by later. Alice mentioned something about fabric swatches and paint samples." Rose also mentioned something about booze, but Charlie doesn't need to know all the gory details.

After walking Charlie to the front porch of the old Forks house and watching his cruiser pull away from the drive, I take a breath. The breath comes out just as shallow and as half-hearted as it had for weeks now. Probably months, really. But who's counting? Lord knows I'd rather not.

I scan the old yard and neighborhood briefly. Nothing ever changes in Forks. It's like time stands still here. There are kids playing in the street, everything is green and damp, and the house looks exactly the same as when I spent summers here as a kid. The trees seemed taller, the shade they provide on the rare sunny days more pronounced. But otherwise, same sounds, same sights, same people, and even the same smells. The earth smells rich, dark, and mossy here. It smells of grass and soil and ancient secrets. A smell I didn't realized I missed until just now.

Walking back into the house, _my_ house now, I survey the damage. Clearly Charlie and Sue have been doing more than the occasional overnight visit at her place. The house doesn't look or smell like anyone has even visited for months. It's not run down, of course, but it certainly is in need of some TLC and a little handiwork. Opening the windows and rolling up the sleeves of my ratty old Forks PD sweatshirt I get to work cleaning up my new home. Charlie actually did some nice things with the bedrooms and bath. I wonder if he was going to sell it before my mess landed in his lap? No, don't think about that. Can't think about that.

This is exactly what the doctor ordered: some hard work to block out the intrusive thoughts and panic. My muscles ache, dirt covers me from head to toe, my legs and arms are covered in small bumps and bruises, and I realize I've been cleaning and unpacking for most of the day without rest or food. This is, actually, exactly the _opposite _ of what Dr. Vera ordered. "Allow the feelings, Bella. Breathe into them. Embrace them. If you keep fighting them, they will drown you. You have to work through this. You can't just turn it off and pretend it didn't happen," she'd told me time and time again.

Like I could forget. Like I could turn it off. Do I trust the professional who has helped hundreds of people through the same sort of shit I've gone through? Sure. Or course. I'm not stupid. Does it mean jack to me? No! Screw you and your "embrace the pain and examine it" bullshit. My body will never be the same. You can't erase that shit. And neither will the rest of me. Maybe if I can just avoid thinking about what happened to me, my life, my future then it won't be as brutal to live with. Mind over matter, right? Right.

Now, what to do with all of these books?

**A/N: I've decided to just write this story as it flows rather than following the original outline. So if you have thoughts or questions or feedback, I'd love to hear it! **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I don't own Twilight. Bummer, for me. But I bet it turned out alright for Ms. Meyer!**

**Your reviews and feedback are much appreciated. No, that's a lie. They are more than appreciated, they are vital and beautiful and absolutely adored!**

**Happy reading!**

_Like I could forget. Like I could turn it off. Do I trust the professional who has helped hundreds of people through the same sort of shit I've gone through? Sure. Or course. I'm not stupid. Does it mean jack to me? Nope. Screw you and your "embrace the pain and examine it" bullshit. My body will never be the same. You can't erase that shit. And neither will the rest of me. Maybe if I can just avoid thinking about what happened to me, my life, my future then it won't be as brutal to live with. Mind over matter, right? Right._

_Now, what to do with all of these books?_

"Bella?"

"Hmp hmph hrrrr!"

"What? Bella? Where are you?"

"I said, 'I'm up here!'" I was calling out to my two best friends from behind a pile of boxes in the attic of Charlie's house. Aren't they early? A quick glance at my phone tells me, no, I've just been working for several hours straight and lost track of time again. Crap.

"Bella, honey, you didn't answer the door. We just let ourselves in," Alice says with a concerned tone, but the way she's eyeing the pile of dusty boxes I'm not sure if the concern is more for me or for the manual labor that is ensuing.

"Oh, sorry Alice! I must've lost track of time sorting through all this stuff."

"No worries, lady. But if you don't get downstairs in the next five minutes I think Rose and her fetus are going to eat your eggrolls. And don't even get me started on how she's looking at the wantons. If I didn't know any better I would think her baby's daddy is a block of cream cheese," Alice smirks and turns around without another word.

These are friends. Major life crisis? Yep. Months and months without contact? Yep. Years and years of trust, fun, tears, and mischief? Yep. Awkward reunion? No way. Like I said, everything stays the same in Forks. Nothing changes, even if your life looks like a bad Lifetime movie or an after-school special gone horribly wrong. Your best friends will still bring you a few bottles of Shiraz, some spicy shrimp fried rice, and an eggroll, as if nothing has happened.

Looking around I feel a sense of satisfaction. I've gotten a lot done today and this place is really starting to look good. Dusting off my sweatshirt with my hands I make the trek downstairs to my hungry and waiting friends. Before I have both feet in the living room, Rose pounces me with a mama-bear hug. "I missed you," she whispers quietly. And then pulls back to look me over. "What the fuck have you been doing today? We tried calling." There's the Rose we know and love.

"And knocking," Alice pipes up, dancing over to give me a hug too. "It's great to have you back, Bella."

I look at my two best friends in the whole world. Though I only spent summers here growing up, Rose, Alice and I were fast friends. All it took was one bonding moment at age 5 and the rest was history. Mike Newton, Tyler Crowley, and Eric Yorkie chose that particular moment to pick on me. We were at the park at the Forks Annual Summer Festival. The boys stole my cotton candy, tugged on my pigtails, and one of them shoved me. My uncoordinated-childhood-ass fell over, scraping my elbow. While I was still inspecting the damage, Rose had already punched Tyler in the nose, was threatening Mike with a knee to the groin, and Alice was on Eric's back screaming like a banshee. We've been inseparable every summer since. Well, until recently that is…

Standing in my living room, Rose is glowing with a beautiful pregnant belly, gorgeous as ever. She and Alice's oldest brother Emmett have been married for a few years now and are expecting their first child soon. They've been trying for a long time and had several heartbreaks; but this one seemed to take and will be here in a few months. Rose owns a car remodeling business with Jacob Black while Emmett remodels houses. Between the two of them they've worked on all the major projects around Forks and its wealthy surrounding communities since graduating from college a few years ago. And don't let Rose and Jake fool you; they act like they hate each other, but there is mutual respect there. They've faced a lot of racial prejudice through the years when they decided to join their two businesses together. Jake was never able to go off to college, what with taking care of his dad Billy and falling in love with Leah. With Rose's business sense and passion, and Jake's creativity and fire, they make a great team.

Alice is just as beautiful and radiating a sense of wisdom in spite of her bouncy pixie energy. She's dressed immaculately as ever. Probably mostly her own designs. Alice owns her own boutique in Forks. She manages to keep some affordable things in the shop for the local girls, 'even a small town woman needs to feel sexy and sophisticated,' she often says. But most of her work comes from national and international orders. Some of her clothes debuted at Paris Fashion Week this season. Alice is engaged to her long time love, and Rose's brother, Jasper. They are perfect for each other. He is quiet and reflective, Alice is loud and impulsive. He surrounds himself with books and history, she loves color and fabric. Jasper is an old soul who has always given me much comfort. Not surprisingly, he's a therapist now. Alice is constantly trying to get him to spill all the local gossip, but he just smiles and kisses the top of her head, and they go on to repeat the same conversation another day.

While I'm reflecting on the two women in front of me, they are looking at me like… like I'm _me._ Not a broken, screw up of a girl who couldn't keep her shit together. I haven't recognized my own face in the mirror in a long time. The bruises and cuts have faded, barely even any scars that are noticeable these days; but it's my eyes that look like a stranger's now. I can't imagine how they are able to look me in the eye when no one else close to me has been able to do that in several months.

A strange tug comes to my throat and it hits me just how much I've missed these two crazy girls. Before the tears can sting my eyes I clear my throat and move into survival mode. I'm so practiced at shutting feelings down now, it hardly takes effort. If I let a little bit through, the dam will break, the tidal wave of grief and shame would poison us all.

"So, I heard something about eggrolls," I ask, changing the subject to something more mundane.

"Ugh! I'm stuffed!" Rose says awhile later, leaning back on the sofa and rubbing her giant baby belly.

"Yeah, with Emmett's demon seed, you whore," Alice chirps from her spot on the over-stuffed chair. She is also splayed out and rubbing her stomach with one hand while holding a glass of Shiraz in the other.

We've spent the last hour catching up on all the Forks gossip. Who is doing who, who wants to do who, who could never do who, who got work done so that they could get "done", etc. I've also learned which of Rose and Alice's old high school friends are convinced Alice's clothes run too small and that she's trying to make them 'feel fat' with those big sizes. Yeah right, Lauren Mallory. Grow the fuck up and wear your big girl pants like a trooper, would ya'? Apparently Charlie moving in with Sue was a big scandal at first for both sides of the Rez-line. It's part of why he kept the Forks house: to keep up appearances. But now as respected members of the community, it's all blown over. How didn't I know this? Oh yeah, wrapped up in my own epic shit storm.

"Whatever slut," Rose spits back with a smirk, bringing me back to the moment. Her eyes grow serious and she exchanges a look with Alice.

Alice starts, "so Bella, you haven't really said much about what brings you home… or for how long…" she trails off.

"What the pixie is trying to say, Bells, is what the fuck happened? Where have you been the last several years? You haven't visited Charlie since last year. You haven't called in months. And then one day we get a vague email that you and James broke up," I flinch at the name, "and you're moving home." Rose, always so direct. I love her for it, but right now, I'm not so sure.

I look from Rose to Alice and back down at my hands. Their eyes only reflect care and concern, but I'm not ready to share everything. For one, they'd probably kill him. And two, I don't want to continue to be poor broken Bella. These two have always been perfect; perfect bodies, perfect families, perfect lives, perfect everything. And I have always been the one who bounces around between parents, not fully wanted anywhere. The clumsy one with mousey brown hair who has her nose shoved in a book. They rescued me when I was five, they've rescued me several times since. They don't need to know about my epic fuck up with _him._

"I know. I'm sorry." The words come out in a rush before I can stop them, lubricated by the wine and the unfamiliar laughter from earlier. "Look, you two know you're my best friends. You know everything about me. But I can't tell you this. Not yet. Things got really bad for me for awhile. They are better now. Or… they will be. And I'm here for now because I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm not ready to talk about what happened, but when I am, I'll let you know. You don't need to worry about me. You don't need to fix me. I can handle it. Just… Just give me some time, ok?"

Rose chances another glance at Alice, but then looks at me evenly. Alice refills my glass of wine and her own before speaking. "We know you don't want to talk about it, Bella." Alice is uncharacteristically quiet suddenly. "But you should… Shit… We know he went to jail, Bella. We saw the news. Everyone knows that Charlie fell apart for awhile too, but no one knows why. But everything about the case has been sealed; there are no details on public record. Whatever went wrong, whatever he got mixed up in, we're assuming you did too. We're worried…"

"But we're also patient," Rose cut Alice off with a look. "We just want you to know that we know it was more than a break up, ok?"

"Yeah, ok." I say quietly, running my finger along the edge of my wine glass. Wondering how much time I really have before their patience will wear out. Maybe it'll last for… say, the rest of our lives? Doubtful. I can feel their love and it makes me want to open up my heart to them. But I'll drown in my story; I can't tell it yet. And I don't want to risk losing their love once they see how broken I am.

"Change of subject!" Alice squeals in her normal excited tone. There is an edge to it that only a long time friend could detect, but she's trying, and I give her a grateful smile. "We got you a welcome home present, Bella!"

Rose lights up too and even props her body up on a pillow to get a better view of the action.

"Ugh! The food and wine was enough, ladies. You know I hate presents." I get up off the couch and start to collect dishes and discarded fried rice containers.

"Well we already spent money on it, we can't return it, and you are going to take it!" Rose pragmatically yells from the living room as I rinse the plates.

"Fine," I huff, stalking back into the room. "What is it?"

"Well you have to open it, silly! No fun us just telling you!" Alice says as hands me an envelope.

I tentatively take the envelope from her. It's made with thick luminescent gold paper with a silver ribbon tying it closed. I slide the bow off gently, tossing it at Alice playfully. She decidedly ties the ribbon in her hair and gives me a smirk while Rose giggles and sips at her sparkling water. Unsealing the envelope with my finger I feel a quick sting. "Damn it! Paper cut." One dark crimson bead of life force swells slowly and then oozes from the cut on my pointer finger.

_In an instant I am pulled back in time a few months, crimson pools of liquid all around me, pouring down my face, pulsing from my torso and onto the floor. The smell of rust filling my nose until I choke on it. Feeling a pain like no other and hearing his cackling laugh as he brings the video camera to my face, "You bleed so well, honey. I will be able to bathe in your blood. It smells delicious, you know?" I try to lunge at him but am restricted by my restraints around my arms and legs. He laughs harder…_

"Bella? Bella! Are you ok? Where did you go, sweetheart?" Alice and Rose both look concerned. Alice's hand is on mine, covering the paper cut.

"Sorry. Be right back," I mumble. Shit shit shit! I head into the master bathroom to dig out the band aids I just unpacked that morning. I'm not still a clumsy, bumbling fool like I was as a teenager, having grown into my body and taken up yoga and running to keep toned. But I still keep a first aid kit for just such regressive moments. As usual I avoid looking in the mirror; avoid the stranger's eyes that I will see there. I try to take a deep breath to clear my head, but it comes out shallow and painful as usual. After washing my hands and placing the band aid over the small cut, I shake my head and return to the living room to hear my friends suddenly hushed voices.

"Still clumsy, I guess," I try to laugh it off, but can hear the echoes of _his _laugh as I do. "Where was I?" I say lightheartedly, but it sounds hollow even to my ears. Picking up the envelope I slip out the filigreed card. The monogram isn't familiar to me. I give the girls a questioning look with one eyebrow raised. In return I see two blindingly beautiful smiles, and one bouncy pixie, but hear no response. Reading the inside of the card I find it is a gift certificate for the local spa (Forks has a local spa? Maybe things do change in Forks…) for ten 90-minute massages. "What…," I start.

Alice interrupts, "No arguments, you stubborn mule. Whatever you've been through, whatever you're going through, you need to relax. This will help. We love you, we want you to have it-"

"We want you to USE it," Rose adds quickly.

"Right. This will help you pamper yourself, Bella. You never do anything to treat yourself!" Alice argues, already trying to head off whatever hesitation she expects from me.

"Sure, sure. This… this will be great. Thank you." Or it will be an epic disaster! No one knows all the details of what happened, but one look at my body without clothes on and someone could fucking guess. Shit. "This is really thoughtful, thank you," I force out with a smile.

"See, she loves it!" Alice squeals and bounds over to my chair to land in my lap and gives me a big hug. I've shied away from human contact for months, but Alice is safe and familiar. I'm surprised to notice… it feels… Nice! I hug her a little harder and she beams, noticing the shift. "Your first appointment is already set up in two days; so you have to go."

"So, when did our little Forks get a _spa?" _ I emphasize the word like it's a foreign concept.

"Well not long after Ed-" Alice begins.

Rose cuts her off with a glare, "Well, it's late. We should probably be going. But we'll see you at the picnic tomorrow right? It's at the park."

"Of course. It's in my honor, and all, right?" I ask putting on a pout for their benefit.

"Whatever, Bella. You may not want attention, but people around here missed you. It's as much for them as it is you. Besides, it's going to be sunny tomorrow!" Alice sings as she climbs off my lap and out of the giant chair.

"Got it. Picnic for me. Pony up and enjoy. Yes, ma'am."

With warm hugs and smiles my two best friends head off into the night. Their happiness and love linger a bit, but I'm left feeling apprehensive nonetheless. I know I'll need to tell them sooner or later. And what the hell am I going to do about some local-yokel gossip queen seeing my scars on a massage table? Shit. I feel the panic trying to claw its way up my throat.

It's late, but as is my usual pattern these days, I get to work avoiding sleep and avoiding the dreams. By the time I pass out on my bed of exhaustion I've cleaned up the mess from my friends' visit, made a key lime pie for the picnic, and have unpacked more boxes of linens, books, and pictures. The last image I see before my eyes closed is a dusty old framed photo of our group of friends at the Forks Annual Summer Festival when I turned 18, seven years ago. In it are a bunch of young kids with faces kissed by the sun and the carefree hopeful look of youth: Rose and Emmett, holding one another tightly; Alice and Jasper who are making eyes at one another; Jake and several of his "pack" of brothers from the Rez, including a glowing Leah; and me and Edward. I sigh. No one mentioned Alice and Emmett's brother Edward tonight, my old crush. I wonder what he's up to…


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: I do not own Twilight or any recognizable bits!**

**Warning: please do not read if you are under 18 or offended or tender towards adult situations, sexual situations, or violent situations. As written in the description of the story, Bella has experienced trauma - - that is not pretty. Also, Edward is going to help bring our Bella back to the land of the living - - that will be pretty, but not for everyone. ;)**

**Enter the inked up, sexed up, beautiful muse of the story…**

**Last time…**

_With warm hugs and smiles my two best friends head off into the night. Their happiness and love linger a bit, but I'm left feeling apprehensive nonetheless. I know I'll need to tell them sooner or later. And what the hell am I going to do about some local-yokel gossip queen seeing my scars on a massage table? Shit. I feel the panic trying to claw its way up my throat._

_It's late, but as is my usual pattern these days, I get to work avoiding sleep and avoiding the dreams. By the time I pass out on my bed of exhaustion I've cleaned up the mess from my friends' visit, made a key lime pie for the picnic, and have unpacked more boxes of linens, books, and pictures. The last image I see before my eyes closed is a dusty old framed photo of our group of friends at the Forks Annual Summer Festival when I turned 18, seven years ago. In it are a bunch of young kids with faces kissed by the sun and the carefree hopeful look of youth: Rose and Emmett, holding one another tightly; Alice and Jasper who are making eyes at one another; Jake and several of his "pack" of brothers from the Rez, including a glowing Leah; and me and Edward. I sigh. No one mentioned Alice and Emmett's brother Edward tonight, my old crush. I wonder what he's up to… _

"_I will bathe in your blood, Isabella. You will watch me anoint myself with your body's essence and you will worship me."_

_The leather whip cracks again and again like lightening._

I wake up with a gasp, choking to get air into my lungs. "Fuck," I mutter, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. Letting my feet touch the floor and trying to bring myself back into this time and space. It's early. Too early. Even after all these weeks, the nightmares continue. Dr. Vera said that they might even get more intense if I ignore it. Sighing, I notice the framed picture I fell asleep with last night. It's peeking out from under the one pillow that remains on the bed and didn't get thrown to the floor during my night terror. Holding it reverently I look at my youthful face. So full of hope and promise. Full of laughter and light. That young girl knew she wasn't worthy of the happiness that was on loan to her; I just never expected it to be taken from me in such a brutal way.

I begin this morning like every other. Freshening up in the newly remodeled bathroom (I wonder if Emmett did this project for Dad?) I change into some running shorts and a t-shirt, hair up high in a messy pony tail. I'm looking forward to running on the old dirt hiking trails of Forks; running on the pavement of Tucson's sidewalks was always lacking something essential. I missed the feel of my feet on the earth instead of the lifeless concrete.

I began to run and do yoga regularly a few years back, one of the few things that hasn't been taken from me these past months. As an author, I needed a time and place to sort out my ideas. Feeling the burn of my muscles around the second mile, or the inner balance that comes in a tree pose, gave me that gift of space to process. Notice the past tense.

Now, however, running and yoga give me yet another way to shut down my brain and ignore the pain of my healing body. Funny how something that used to bring me deeper into my body and creativity now helps me shut down my emotions and creativity instead. I haven't been able to write for months. My editor Irena keeps calling me, "Look, I know you're going through some shit or whatever, Bella. But we have a contract! I have a boss too, and we all have money to make. What's it gonna take to get our prized writer back in the saddle?" Her version of a pep talk I suppose. My assistant and friend Angela has another approach, "Bella, honey, we love you, we love your stories, we're just trying to look out for your best interest. How can I help?"

Blocking out the echoing voices of my staff with another sigh, I quickly down an English muffin and some juice. Plugging in my head phones I turn the music up loud enough to drown out the sound of my heart beat. I make my way to the trail head behind the house and begin at a slow pace. The air is cooler than I'm used to but warm for Forks; it feels delightful lapping at my skin as I move faster.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Step, step, step, step. I jog to the pace of top 40's pop music. Do I love Britney Spears? No. Does her music make me feel sexy and vibrant? Well, it used to. It certainly helps me keep a rhythm. I can feel myself focusing on the rhythm of my feet, the swish of my arms. Shutting out all other sensations. My emotions can't touch me here. The memories and flashbacks can't haunt me here. My body moves itself on autopilot as my mind tunes the rest of the world out.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. Step, step, step, step. I breathe shallow breaths, aching for deeper ones, and get lost in the trance of my feet hitting the trail. Strangely I begin to feel freer than I have in months, suddenly lighter and more fluid. I pump my legs harder and faster; feeling the salty sweat drip down my brow, my back, and pool in my bra. My legs are glistening with the sweat.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. Step, step, step, step. My feet push off the ground with grace. My arms following the pace my legs have set. Breathe in, breath out, breathe in, breathe out. Step, step, step, step. Closing my eyes and smiling, feeling like I'm flying, it all too abruptly comes to a halt when my body slams into something hard and warm. "What the fuck!" I yell as I crash to the ground, limbs tangled together.

I look up to see the speed bump that got in my way. It starts with the well-muscled and tanned legs of a man. I lick my lips at the sight of his toned calves and strong thighs. As I continued my eyes upward I see that the legs are encased in a pair of black basketball shorts hanging oh! Hanging oh so low on the most delectable hips I've ever seen, with a muscled, twitching V briefly seen as my speed bump lifts the hem of his white tank to wipe the sweat from his face. Was that a tattoo on his hip? Sweet Jesus, bringing my gaze up higher I can barely make out the muscled abs and chest through the material of his shirt. There are a pair of muscular, inked arms that are connected to two broad shoulders. But then, oh, but then, I finally look into the eyes of the object of my desire. Edward Cullen. THE Edward Cullen. My speed bump is the grown-man version of my childhood crush. Always Alice's older brother, just like Emmett and Rose's brother Jasper, treating me like the visiting sister. He has matured, grown broader and stronger. But he still has the unruly reddish brown hair and the glowing emerald eyes. And those lips! Those kissable, lickable, bitable, fuckable, lips! Wait, those lips are moving. They are speaking. Why can't I hear anything? How hard did I hit my head?

Edward smirks briefly but looks concerned. He squats down next to my sprawled out body and gently tugs the ear buds from my ears. "Are you alright, Bella?"

"Umm..." Brilliant, Bella. You haven't spoken to the man, well, since he _became_ a man, and this is your attempt at word-smithing? "Yeah, I think so, just startled. Sorry, I must've zoned out there."

"No problem." He's still squatting down next to me on the trail. His eyes flicker over my legs, but return to my face quickly. "I wasn't planning on, er, running into you here." He chuckles and scratches the back of his neck.

"Yeah, well, I guess you should never assume that someone won't plow into you in the middle of the woods." I try to joke, but shit, did I just say "plow into you." Fuck. Like this could get any more awkward. My sexually deprived and depraved brain must be filling in the blanks.

"Right. Umm… Can I help you up?" He stands and offers his hand. Ever the gentleman, my beautiful unrequited crush.

"No, no, I got it, thanks." I respond, mentally kicking myself for turning down the opportunity to touch this beautiful god of a man. As I start to rise off of the dirt trail, strategically thinking about where to put my hands so not to play the part of a dirt-covered child in front of this Adonis, an excruciating cramp in my right calf knocks me to the ground. "Holy shit!"

"Bella! What's wrong?" Edward drops to his knees next to me as I grab my leg.

"Just a cramp, I'm good." I try to play it off cool. Jesus, could I be more of a spaz? I'm still panting from my run, chest heaving, but now with Edward's nearness I'm panting for a whole new reason. My memory didn't do this Adonis any justice. He's more gorgeous than I remember.

Edward still carries that concerned fucking look on his beautiful face, but is also trying to stifle a smile at my stupidity. "No you're not, Bella. I can see it in your face. You never were a good liar." He shakes his head. "Here, give it to me." He holds out his hands as if waiting for me to fill them with something.

"What?" Again with the brilliance. Nice, spaz-ella. "I mean, no, I'm fine, really." Pant, pant.

"Riiiight. So do you suggest I leave you hear to cramp up in the woods by yourself? Or should I try to carry on a friendly conversation while you try not to scream out in agony?" He smirks, he knows he has me. Before I can protest he grabs my leg, pulling it out and away from my other leg and over his bent knees. I bite my lip from the erotic feeling of having my legs opened by Edward. Then the bliss begins. Edward Cullen begins massaging my Charlie-horsed calf.

"Hmm… Jesus." I murmur before I can reign that shit in. Edward's eyes snap from his hands on my leg to my eyes. I see a flicker of something and then it's gone. But I can't even interpret it right now because my brain is going to mush and begging to trickle out my damn vajayjay in small droplets of arousal. Fuck that feels good!

"Does this happen a lot?" He asks as his vision trails back down to his hands on my leg, massaging skillfully.

It takes me a half a second to realize he's not talking about my wonton moaning and arousal. "You mean knocking myself over by running into old friends? Literally. Or embarrassing myself by spazzing out after said-run-in?" I can't help but smile being near him again. The contact with my body doesn't even register as something to worry about. I'm just enjoying his kneading fingers and the warmth of his left hand that is stationed on my thigh, just above my knee, while his right hand plays my body like a Stradivarius violin.

He smiles that beautiful smile, letting out a chuckle, "Well, I suppose I meant the muscle cramp. Drinking more water can help with that." He shares helpfully.

"I haven't seen you in years and you want to talk about my muscle cramps and hydration levels?" I tease. I watch the tattoos on his forearms flex and move with the movements of his hands. I can't quite make out the whole thing, but there are licks of ink down towards the fleshy part of his hands near his thumbs that make me want to taste his hands. The ink flows up and licks around his biceps, making me want to bite those too. Or maybe grab onto them while I ride him. Holy God, woman. This is just about the most embarrassing moment of your life. Reign. It. In.

His smile widens, "It seemed like a timely topic," and he winks.

Jesus, he fucking winked. Edward Cullen's gorgeous hands are on my body and he fucking winked. I wonder if my arousal will soak through my shorts while my right leg is spread across his lap. With that thought I bring my left leg a little closer to my right, in an attempt to close my thighs and hide any evidence of my arousal. I can't even bring myself to be embarrassed right now. I'll die of mortification under a rock later. Right now I'm letting myself have this.

"Ok, we're almost there. The muscle is loosening up," he says knowingly. God, it's like he can read my body like a book. "I need you to take a few deep breaths, Bella. Bring some oxygen to the muscle."

"Oh." Shit, I haven't been able to take a deep breath in months. "Sure." I slowly begin to inhale and exhale.

"Bella, look at me."

"What?" I'm confused.

"I said 'deep breaths' not shallow half-ass breaths." He chuckles. "Look at me, we'll breathe together."

"O-ok", I say quietly. Unexpectedly, I find myself lost in the emerald pools of my youth. Locking eyes with the most beautiful boy I've ever met who is now the most beautiful man I've ever seen. Sensing his broad chest rising and falling. Watching the way his nostrils flare on the inhale and the way his soft lips part on the exhale. And I'm… I'm breathing! Really breathing for the first time in months. Feeling my lungs fill with the cool air and exhaling a swirl of warm air, mingling with Edward's sweet breath around my face.

"Uh… Good." He says suddenly and clears his throat. "I think that ought to do it!" He gives one last gentle squeeze to my leg that sends a shock of electricity straight to more core before placing my leg gently on the ground. He offers me his hand and a dazzling smile. This time I grab it without hesitation, allowing him to help pull me up as if it was no effort at all.

"I should…" I begin stupidly, pointing behind me in the direction of my house a few miles away.

"Yeah, yeah, me too." He responds, scratching the back of his neck again with one hand and thumbing in the opposite direction with is other. "But I'll see you later, right? At the picnic?" He looks almost hopeful. Weird.

"Oh! Yeah! You're going?" Oh God. Put me out of my misery. Why can't I say anything intelligent to this beautiful man? I'm a published author. I know I know how to put a simple sentence together. Don't I?

"Wouldn't miss it, Bella," he says with a dazzling smile.

I feel my center dripping and my legs wobble. Ungh, how I want to lick that smile off his face! Focus, Bella! First of all we need to get the hell out of here with a shred of dignity. More importantly, you're a broken wreck a woman who needs to work out her shit. Besides, never in the history of time has this man shown any interest in you other than as his little sister's friend.

"Great, well, I'll see you soon then." On wobbly legs, caused more by Adonis-the-speed-bump and his magical hands than from the cramp, I turn back in the direction of the house.

"Oh, and Bella?" He calls. I turn around and see his profile one more time. Toned legs, plump ass, strong back and torso, broad bronzed shoulders, and hair that looks like he just emerged from between my thighs.

"Yes?" I respond breathlessly, licking my lips.

"Welcome home."

**Gah! So tasty! Next chapter is the big reunion picnic for Bella and her friends. Reviews are welcomed, invited, and encouraged!**

**Hugs,**

**FP **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I do not own Twilight or any recognizable bits. **

**Warning: This story is meant for mature audiences. Please be advised that there will be adult language and adult situations, including violence and sexuality. If you are offended by or tender about these things, or under age, please find another fic to read. There are so many great ones, don't waste your time with something that's not a good fit for you. **

**Please see A/N at end of chapter.**

**Happy reading!**

_Last time…_

"_Great, well, I'll see you soon then." On wobbly legs, caused more by Adonis-the-speed-bump and his magical hands than from the cramp, I turn back in the direction of the house._

"_Oh, and Bella?" He calls. I turn around and see his profile one more time. Toned legs, plump ass, strong back and torso, broad bronzed shoulders, and hair that looks like he just emerged from between my thighs._

"_Yes?" I respond breathlessly, licking my lips._

"_Welcome home." _

Sweet. Baby. Jesus. That did not just happen. I did not just fall on my ass and have Edward Cullen's hands all over my leg while carrying on the most inane conversation known to human kind.

Oh, sweet sassy molassey, it did. Crap. Nice one, Bella. Way to start off your "fresh start" of a life. By being a complete moron.

Oh, but his hands! And his body! Those few minutes in the woods of northern Washington had woken up things in my body that hadn't been responsive to the world in a long, long time.

Don't get me wrong, even after the things I've lived through, I still get myself off when I need to. At first it felt weird or I felt guilty. Like maybe something was wrong with me that I could be covered in bruises and scratches but still have my hand between my legs. But a girl's got needs. At least, that's what Dr. Vera helped me see after some conversations in therapy. I couldn't even make myself cum at first. But slowly I started reclaiming pieces of me, including my God given right to get off! I am woman, hear me cum. Ha!

But nothing, nothing since my torture experience with _him,_ had felt as intense as those few minutes with Edward this morning. That's the side effect of going numb and shutting out the bad stuff - - all the good stuff goes too. It's like hitting the breaker box on a whole building rather than just turning off the light switch in the room you're finished with.

"Ungh," I moan out loud with no one to hear me but my multi-head granite shower. I feel the hot water beating down on my broken body, pouring over my face. Soaping up the loofa until it's as foamy as I like it, I wash the sweat and dirt of the trail off my toned body. Breathing in the steam of the shower, I realize I can't get my breaths to go as deep as I could with Edward staring deeply into my eyes with his luscious lips parted.

Thinking about his lips brings me back to my fantasy. I wonder what it would be like to feel his hands all over my body; if he'd crept his hand up my thigh a little further, letting his fingers ghost under the hem of my running shorts. I let the fantasy go on as I move my hands to my aching core, working my lower lips with just the right amount of pressure. Imagining Edward's breaths coming in short pants like my own. I imagine him spreading my legs apart even more, letting his hand move to my center, coating his fingers in my arousal. "Ungh" I moan again, imagining it's Edwards deep, chesty voice that I hear instead. And with that thought I give one final push to my center and fall over the edge of my orgasm. All I can see behind my closed eyes are a pair of vivid green eyes. "Shit!" That was by far the most intense orgasm I'd had in… longer than I'd care to remember, I guess.

After finishing with my shower I wrap myself in my soft cotton robe and work on an outfit for this afternoon's festivities. '_Fucking Alice and her goddamn party-planning bullshit_,' I think. I love the girl like the sister I never had, but this stuff is not for me. I wouldn't even let my agency put me on a book tour, for Christ's sake. And that was a celebration of my success!

I certainly don't need the pity-stares and "comforting" glances from my old friends to remind me what a freaking mess I am. I'm sure they've made up their own concocted stories about what happened. Poor naïve Bella, wrapped up in a world of drugs and money. Or maybe they think he got caught in tax evasion or something more like white-collar crime, but socially acceptable, like our buddies over at Enron, Tyco, or Global Crossing. No, none of them could ever guess that my loving and adventurous boyfriend would slowly control my every move, cutting me off from friends and family, crushing my spirit until it disintegrated beneath the weight of his fist, until the situation finally erupted like it did.

"_All I'm saying, James, is that my family has been asking for a visit! I've been cooped up in this apartment writing for months. I've run out of excuses. They miss me and I miss them," I said with more conviction than I felt looking into his steal grey eyes._

_James stalked towards me, fists clenching and unclenching like he was trying to calm himself. Nostrils flared, cheeks red. _

"_Really, Isabella? 'Cooped up', you say?" His eyebrows raise so high they are hidden beneath his greasy blonde hair._

_I can feel the shake in my voice but set my jaw and look him in the eye, hoping he'll believe my bluff. _

"_James. Please. I'm not trying to start an argument. I just miss my dad and –"_

"_And who, Isabella? That dog, Jake? You think I'm keeping you 'cooped up' and away from acting the whore with that MUTT?" His voice is raising, he's inches from my face. I can feel the spray of his words on my face._

"_We've been through this James. There's no one but you." I gag on my own words, willing to say anything to diffuse the ticking bomb. "I just need to go home." My voice is smaller now._

_I feel the crack of his knuckles across my cheek before I hit the floor._

With a shiver down my spine from my memories, I make a conscious effort to switch gears and distract myself. Since the trial I've had more and more of these memories that surface at the oddest times. Dr. Vera calls them flashbacks; like a war vet who thinks he's in the foothills of Vietnam on a humid day. Worse than the memories themselves is the disgust that churns in my gut at the thought of how long I made excuses for the cocksucker. Thinking about the times that I covered for him, lied for him. Lied to myself.

Shaking my head and rolling my shoulders I look for a nearby distraction and see my blinking phone. I move to check my missed calls. The first two messages are from Irina, my editor, demanding an outline for my next best seller. Does she think erotic smut with plot grows on trees? The next is a text from Angela, my assistant, warning me that Irina might be calling today. And the last is a message from Alice in her sing-song voice, "Hey Bella! I know you always fight me on this, but seriously, I'm gonna hook a girl up, here. Trust me. Wear something that shows off that fine ass of yours. I know you've been running. Don't lie to me. If you got it, flaunt it. Maybe a little sundress. Or a tank top! Ooh, a tank top and shorts. It'll drive Edward wild. Did I mention he'll be there today? I know you always had the hots for him. I just have a feeling about today; dress for success, girl. It'll be warm today, don't hid that bo-" she managed to rush out before the voicemail maxed out and cut her off.

I smile at her enthusiasm but brush off her comments like usual. Of course Rose and Alice know about my unrequited crush on Edward. Hell, at this point Jasper and Emmett probably know too. At least, I assume Rose and Alice would share that kind of stuff with their partners. Even if not intentionally, Jasper is an observant mother-fucker. He has a sixth sense for people's emotions. He's given me more than one raised eyebrow over the years about my blushes and giggles around Edward. And Emmett isn't as dumb as he pretends to be. If his teasing is any clue, he's known I was crushing on Edward before I knew what a crush was. But alas, Edward has remained oblivious. He has always been paired with one super-model-type or another; always distant and brooding over a keyboard or a guitar.

There have been moments when I felt hope grow; that maybe he knew how I felt or saw me as something other than as a little sister. One such hopeful moment occurred the summer I sprouted breasts and hips. I thought I saw him ogling me in my tiny blue bikini that year. But then Emmett made some crack about me "filling out" since last summer. Edward stormed into the Cullen house but not until he gave me one last disgusted look and mumbling something to Emmett about being a "disgusting perv."

Then there was a camping trip after my freshman year of college. Late one night our sibling/friends paired off and we were left to share college stories around the dying fire and under the stars. After a couple of choice stories told back and forth about frat parties gone awry and our crazy roommates, we were laughing so hard our sides were in stitches. It seemed like he finally saw me as a woman that night.

"_God, Bella. I can't believe you did that!" Edward chortled, a look of bewildered amusement crossing his beautiful face._

"_Well, you better believe it! I'm actually not welcome back at Homecoming until I'm an alum. And Pi Lambda Phi fraternity has a plaque on the wall in my honor. I hear they plan to celebrate the anniversary." I stated rather smugly, proud of myself for showing Edward how I'd come out of my shell this past year._

_Edward gazed at me and his eyes flickered to my lips. The light of the fire was casting shadows across his features. "Well, I guess little Bella Swan is growing up," Edward smirked but it didn't reach his eyes. And the tone of his voice made the comment sound less like the brotherly teasing I was used to from him and Emmett and more like a statement of biblical fact._

_I took the opportunity to push my luck. Taking the gamble, I looked him in the eye and responded, "More than you know, Edward."_

It turned out to be a bigger gamble than I expected. Though I was sure he was going to kiss me that night, he, like always, pulled away, shut down, and walked me to my empty tent like a gentleman.

He grew less and less open with me over the years, depriving me of his full belly laugh and the smile that reaches his eyes and makes them crinkle. How could he do anything else? I was just his mousey little sister. Not beautiful or special. Clumsy and blushing. Why would he want to encourage my affections? I always wondered if he could sense my attraction to him. That maybe his pulling away from our loose friendship had more to do with his discomfort with my feelings than any distractions in his own life.

With a sigh I delete the voicemails just like I delete my thoughts of what could've been, and send Angela a quick text thanking her for her (belated) warning. Feeling satisfactorily distracted, I return to my bedroom to put lotion on my broken body and to choose an outfit for the picnic.

Warming up my favorite cherry almond lotion in my hands, I begin to massage the creamy lotion into my freshly shaved legs as I stare at my recently unpacked closet. Massaging the lotion into my legs reminds me of how Edward's hands felt on my body earlier this morning. "Mmm." I can't help the small moan that slips out of from my lips.

Jesus. That man has created a monster. I go months without allowing anyone to touch me at all, and now one inconvenient fall in the woods has penetrated my well-constructed defenses. Well, no harm fantasizing, right? He's certainly never seen me as anything other than his little sister's buddy. At most maybe like another little sister; he protected my virtue with more care than I ever gave to it. And he certainly wouldn't want to be with the broken thing that I've become. I wonder what Dr. Vera would say about me fantasizing about an unattainable man?

Amidst my musings about Edward's lack of interest, I see it. It may not be Alice-approved, but it will be a good option for a casual picnic on a warm Forks' summer afternoon, and will also hide the scars across my torso and back. I choose a simple pair of short jean shorts with a dark pink short-sleeve top with a high, Asian-inspired collar. Sexy, simple, and should keep Alice off my back.

After I finish lotioning my skin, dressing, running my fingers through my hair one more time, making the bed, and double checking that the kitchen is clean, there's nothing left to do to stall the inevitable. Stepping in to a pair of flip flops I grab my bag, the key lime pie I made last night, a soft fleece blanket for the picnic grounds, and my sunglasses. I double check the lock on the door and head towards my old truck.

"I can't believe you kept this beast around, Charlie," I chuckle to myself as I climb into my old truck.

"What the…?" There's a handwritten note on the dash.

It reads, "_Bells, The truck is safe to drive. Or at least as safe as it's ever been. Charlie had me keep it running for when you came home someday. Can't wait to see you, honey, Jake" _

"Oh, Jake." My eyes threaten to tear at the sentiment of the two men who've stood by me for so long. Jake, the boy that brightened my summers with his radiant smile. And Charlie, the dad who never really knew how to be a father, but loved me loyally nonetheless.

My truck roared and chugged as loud as ever as I drove through the small downtown of Forks, passing by the diner and Alice's boutique, the police station and school, my favorite bookstore and coffee shop, and nearing the Quileute reservation. Pulling into the public park area, I found a parking spot for The Beast and scanned the grassy picnic area and nearby sandy beach area for my group. There were many families out today, soaking in the sun while they could.

There! I spotted a bouncing pixie wrapped around a blonde man and a waddling Rose slapping a laughing Emmett on the arm. Nearby were groups of dark skinned men, ranging in age from teenagers to young adults. At the center of them was my radiant sun, my Jacob. The boy who would've loved me had I let him, had I been lovable; but who ended up finding his dreams fulfilled by his verbal sparring partner Leah, once the rest of us left for college.

Jake's laugh was echoing to me in the parking lot. Not far from our group were others who might've looked familiar had I given them more thought, but I only had eyes for my friends. I drank in the sight of them like a woman finding water after years in a drought. Maybe I was at the end of a drought; it had been so long since I'd let myself enjoy these wonderful people. They live simple loves, love hard, and are fiercely loyal. Even now, they will welcome me home with open arms; no questions, no accusations, never doubting my worth. How ignorant they are to love me. How beautifully, heart breakingly ignorant.

I hesitate in the cab of my truck, trying to pull together some semblance of dignity before I walk into the love fest I don't deserve.

'_How quickly they'd run from me if they knew_,' I think.

I'm startled by a quiet tap on my window. "Jesus Christ!" I yell, grabbing my chest and jumping away from the window only to be tugged back by the ancient seatbelt. It's Edward with a horrified look on his face. I take a breath to calm my beating heart. I signal for him to step back and open the door of the truck.

"Oh my God, Bella. I'm so sorry! I just pulled up and thought we could walk over together." Edward still looks a little sheepish but his lips are twitching into a smile.

"No worries. I was just zoning out again, I guess. Did you develop some sort of ninja skill set over the last few years?" I smile despite my pounding heart and slide out of the truck.

Edward hadn't really backed up that much, just far enough to get the truck door open. As I slide onto the ground I find my body inches away from his. I can't help but notice that if I leaned forward just the tiniest bit I might be able to feel his gorgeous chest against my heaving breasts.

"I… I uh… What?" He seems flustered and then tilts his head to the side and smiles a dazzling smile. "Ninja skill set?"

"You know, all the sneaking up on me today. You're two for two, buddy. I can't fight those odds." I enjoy teasing him, flirting with him. It comes back so naturally, like no time has passed at all. And like I'm not a swearing, jumping, falling, cramping, shouting, broken mess.

"It wouldn't be very ninja of me to tell you about my training, would it?" He teases back, placing his beautiful hands on his lickable hips, as if trying to feign seriousness.

"Hmm…" I pretend to think about his argument. "No, I suppose not. You'd have to teach me the secret handshake and password and everything," I retort, stretching the metaphor just to continue to hear his voice and experience his smile.

"Ninjas have secret handshakes?"

"Uh huh. I bet you'd have to blindfold me to take me to your secret lair too." Blindfold, Bella? Nice. Keep that in the vault for later.

A looked flashes in Edward's eyes but disappears quickly as he responds, "Secret lair, huh. What kind of ninja do you think I am, B?"

"Well, let's think about this. You sneak up on poor unsuspecting women in the woods-"

"For the record, you ran into me, Bella," he interrupts with a gentle authority. God, my name on his lips!

"Right, well, that's debatable," I retort, watching him put on a fake pout with that delectable bottom lip. His hands still wrap loosely around his hips. "You sneak up on poor unsuspecting women in the woods, then sneak up on poor unsuspecting women in their trucks-"

"Loud, obnoxious, antique trucks," he interrupts again with a crooked smile.

"Again, debatable. But in spite of all of those _facts-_" – he scoffs at my emphasis on the word – "in spite of those facts, you did help me out with my… err… situation… this morning." Edward's eyes twinkle and I clear my throat nervously. "And if you help me carry this pie to that table over there," I point, "all might be forgiven. It would be a sign that you could be a good ninja. You know, helping women in distress, walking little old ladies across the street, rescuing kittens from trees. Good guy stuff." My argument feels solid despite the ludicrous nature of our conversation.

Edward has stepped backwards now and I'm able to take in all of him. He's wearing green cargo shorts, again hanging off of his lean hips and hinting at the strong thighs beneath. Ending just at the crease between his knees and the swell of his plump calves. Even his feet are tanned and gorgeous in his flip flops. His white t-shirt stretches across his strong pectorals and I can see his collar bone at the neck of the shirt where his aviator sunglasses are hanging. His hair is in its usual just-fucked disarray, of course. I lick my lips.

Edward takes one step closer to me, trapping me between his body and the truck, hovering but without touching me. Damn it! Always with the damn hovering and never with the touching! "Super hero stuff, huh?" His voice gets husky and lowers. I nod, biting my lower lip. "What if… I'm not the hero? What if… I'm the bad guy?"

I suddenly lose all rational thought getting lost in the green pools of his eyes. Smelling his cologne and natural scent. Sensing a sizzle of energy in the few inches between our bodies. In this moment I feel the simultaneous pull towards Edward that has always existed and the more recent push to run away from human contact, from the threat of him seeing how disgusting and broken I have become. He shifts even closer and a small sound escapes my lips. Edward's eyes darken as he reaches around me to the cab of the truck. "So this is my ticket into your good graces?"

"Huh? What?" I mumbled stupidly. Then I see it: I see the key lime pie in his left hand. Oh! The pie. The key lime pie. Not _my_ pie. Shit. Pull it together, Bella. "Yep! That's the price for scaring the crap out of me."

"And this morning? Have I paid the penalty for this morning?" He asks with a crooked smile and a sparkle in his eyes.

"Mmm hmm," I mumble incoherently. "Yeah, yeah, we're uh, we're good."

"Great. Looks like you have some other fans that want your attention too," he says nodding over my shoulder and stepping back to give me room to move forward with him. Other fans that want my attention too? Does that mean he's my fan? That he wants my attention? Rein it in, mama. Rein it in. He's an old friend who wanted to say hello. He sees you as a sister. He has never wanted you. He never will want you, now. This is no different than Emmett's teasing, or Jake's. Quit reading into it.

I sigh and nod, trying to pull together a smile for my eager friends. I attempt to temporarily shed my inappropriate fantasies of Edward.

As we walk over to our friends, Edward slips on his aviators and then places one free hand on the small of my back, balancing the key lime pie in his other hand.

"You got it all under control over there, Chief?" I tease after nodding to the pie that he holds steadily in one strong palm.

Edward smirks the sexy, crooked damn smirk only he can make and replies, "Wicked ninja skills, remember? We're good."

God, even something as stupid as ninja-talk is making me wet. My body feels more awake in his presence than it has in a long, long time. I give myself permission to feel this despite the consequences. Returning his smile more broadly than I would've expected, I let myself enjoy the heat of his hand on my lower back, praying he can't feel the ridged scars under my shirt.

"Baby Bells!" Emmett booms from across the park. Instantly about a dozen heads whipped over in our direction.

Edward gives me a smile, lifting his aviators to the top of his head with is free hand, giving him an air of danger. He's practically dripping sex with those shades and his sexy smirk. As if to contradict my thoughts, he gives my shoulder a brotherly pat before heading to the table with the key lime pie, setting it amongst colorful bowls of chicken salad, fruit, bread rolls, and veggie trays.

Before I can lift my hand in greeting to my old friends, Rose is beside me. She takes my bag and blanket while Emmett grabs me up in a classic bear hug, swinging me around. Hell of a team they make.

"Hell, yes! Baby Bells has returned!" Emmett hollers.

"Em. Can't. Breathe." I choke out, finding myself on my feet and feeling a slight twinge in my ribs. Quickly, I'm swept into a one-armed hug by Rose, her pregnant belly pressed to my flat stomach. "Glad you made it, Bella," she whispers. "Now let the girl through, you neanderthal!" she directs at her husband, swatting him on his enormous bicep.

Emmett grabs my things from Rose's hands, kissing his wife on the cheek and giving me a bright, dimpled smile with a wink.

Alice dances around Jasper on her toes, but only gives me a toothy smile. Jasper nods and tips his baseball hat in my direction. The couple who knows all seems to be giving me some space and I gratefully smile back.

Next to greet me was Leah. Smart, strong, and sharp-tongued like a snake. She is always the first to defend someone in need, risking herself. Stupid and reckless at times, but loyal and fierce. "We've missed you, Bella." Leah wraps her strong, golden brown arms around my neck. There is something about Leah's hug that feels more like a wise, old crone holding me than the beautiful young woman before me.

I'm continually touched by Leah's acceptance of me. Though she and Jacob were frequently arguing growing up, almost fighting like siblings, she always cared for him. Leah protects her own despite her own grief and loss. First, her lover Sam left her for her cousin Emily; though there is now a truce between them all, being some of the leaders of the Quileute tribe at such young ages, it remains an uneasy truce. Then, after her father Harry passed away, Leah took care of her mother Sue and her brother Seth, much like I took care of Renee and Charlie when I was too young to have been shouldering the responsibility. Once Charlie and Sue began to take care of one another, Leah seemed lighter and more free.

And then Leah had to deal with me. I was the girl who needed Jacob's golden smile, but would never return his affections. To Leah, this made me cold, unfeeling, and ungrateful. All mortal sins against her and her people. And yet we always shared a mutual respect; the kind of respect that comes from being women who share the same plight: loving men who will never love us back, being responsible for those who should be caring for us, feeling unlovable. After a few choice words and a heated argument several years ago, we ended up becoming rather close. Leah is a good friend now, helping Jacob and I navigate our complicated relationship while loving us both with all of her intensity. Their marriage is dynamic and solid; it is enviable.

"He still needs you," she whispers cryptically, looking me dead in the eye. With a warm smile, Leah retreats, shoving her husband Jacob in my direction with a smirk.

Jacob. My Jacob. My sun. All six foot six inches of chiseled, golden beauty. With an easy smile that has the ability to light up my whole world. I have never, and would never, be in love with Jacob. But I certainly learned to rely on him and his unconditional love in my early years. Always hating myself for using him for his friendship. I'd beg him to leave me, to save himself, to leave me to my lonely life. And he'd always tell me, 'Bells, honey, I've got nothin' but time.'

Jacob made it over to me in a few strides after effortlessly tossing a football back to the group of young Quileute men behind him. I glance at the men who were regrouping behind Jake: I easily recognize Sam, Paul and Jared. _Is that Seth? Holy shit! Hello muscles! What do they put in the water here?_

Immediately I'm pulled from my ogling by two burning hot, masculine arms. "I've missed you, honey," Jake breaths into my hair.

Cautiously, my tenuous hold on my well-guarded emotions bends to the point of breaking. I wrap my arms around my best friend's neck. I let myself feel the heat of his body, melting my resolve to stay distant, to keep these beautiful people protected from my toxicity.

Jake pulls away slightly, his brown eyes searching mine. "Soon, Bells. We need answers soon."

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out except a few shallow attempts at breath.

Suddenly, like heaven sent messengers, Leah pulls Jake in one direction and Alice is at my side with her tiny, but viciously strong, pixie fingers digging into my forearm. "Come on Bella," she practically coos. "Let's eat before the boys play their game."

"Or eat us out of food," Leah quips, still tugging Jake towards the picnic feast a few feet away.

I smile a sheepish smile at Jacob and mouth 'thanks' to Leah. She nods, steering her husband toward the weathered, wooden picnic tables. Yes, they would want answers soon. And what would I tell them?

With distance between my body and the body of my old friend, I embrace the cold, numbing sensation that bleeds into my heart, eagerly replacing Jacob's sunny warmth. It covers my broken heart with its icy shield of deadness and detachment. I take a shallow breath and reinforce my plan to keep a distance from these kind people. _They don't need to be poisoned by me._

"Come on, Bella," Alice's bell-like voice is in my ear, "Let's get you a something to drink."

After grabbing a cold bottle of water from a blue cooler and shaking my hand of the ice cubes that clingy to my hand, I move towards the tables and take in more of my surroundings. There are many groups of families and friends out today, scattered around the park. We are located on a grassy area, under a large oak tree. We can hear laughter, birds, children playing, and the breeze rustling the leaves of the ancient woods. Nearby is the sand beach and the waters of the Pacific; the water is unusually blue today due to the clear skies and warm weather. I breath in the briny scent of the waters and close my eyes for a moment, imagining my heartbeat pulses to the rhythm of the tides. My lungs fill most of the way as I'm pulled from my musings by Edward's soft voice, "Bella? I got you a plate."

I smile before opening my eyes. "Edward," I begin, eyes still closed, feeling the sun on my face, "you didn't scare the hell out of me this time. Congratulations."

I open my eyes and look into his dancing, emerald ones. "Uh oh. My wicked ninja skills wearing off?" he asks.

"Nope, I'm just _that_ good." I retort, grabbing the bright red paper plate from his outstretched hand and swatting his arm with it.

I balance the bottle of water under my arm as I fill my plate with chicken salad and watermelon. In line at the feast of food I finish greeting the others who've gathered today, Sam, Emily, the 'pack' of Quileutes. All sharing easy smiles and remarking how glad they are I'm home. Grabbing utensils and a napkin, I head over to the patchwork of blankets that everyone is stretched out on, under the shade of the tree.

As I'm about to sit down on the corner of an old High School Forks Football blanket, near Alice and Jasper, my cell phone rings from my back pocket.

"Oh shit, sorry," I say, trying to juggle the water, my plate and grab my phone. Edward is suddenly next to me and grabs my plate in his free hand with a smile. "Ninja," I mutter in lieu of a thanks, giving him a grateful smile.

I fish my phone out of my back pocket and groan as I see Irina's name on the caller id. "Sorry, I have to take this." I turn away slightly from the group, so as not to interrupt their chatting and joking with my work conversation.

"Hello, Irina," I say dryly.

"Bella? Finally! Where the fuck are you? I can't have my best damn author going MIA! You said you were going home to work, not falling off the face of the goddamn planet!" Irina is all but shouting. Surely more a sign of her love and devotion to the money I make her than for her concern for my whereabouts.

"Nice to hear from you too, Irina." I roll my eyes at the giant oak tree in front of me, running one finger down the bark of the old tree while still holding the bottle of water in the same hand.

"Don't be bitchy with me, Swan. I'm here to help you. The funders read your draft and they loved it!" She says enthusiastically.

"But?" I ask, knowing there's a catch.

"Buuuut," she draws out the word like it'll soften the what comes next, " there's just a few teensy, weensy, little, itty bitty changes-"

"No." I cut her off, calmly but directly.

"What do you mean '_no'_?" she all but spits the word.

"No, Irina. N-O. Your funders want to sell books? Well, I write books. Their "changes" are always bullshit and you know it. Let me do my damn job and they can do theirs." I seethe. Damn work. I love what I do. Writing, giving readers an experience with words, it's amazing. Trying to also please book sellers and funders is bogus nonsense, however.

"Bella, please!" changing her strategy, Irina's pleading voice drips like battery acid. "They just think a little more anal may go a long way, is all. Your readers are desperate housewives! They are living out their fantasies with your writing! Give them something to drool over! Make it hot!"

"'Make it hot'? 'A little more anal'? Jesus, Irina. The story is about a woman's transformation! A rebirthing of self through sexual liberation. I don't mind a little ass play, but Christ! The damn funders would put a freaking cock up her damn ass every other page if I listened to them. If they want anal, tell them to re-read page 156, 157, AND 158! That's three fucking pages of goddamn ass play. Any more and that tight little ass of hers won't be so damn sexy anymore. Fuck! And if those assholes push me one more time, tell them I'll delete the ménage a trois on page 78!" I know my voice is raised and I'm waving my bottle of water around like a lunatic, but I don't care. This is the one area of my life I won't be fucked around with.

"But, Bella!" Irina pleads.

"You know my stories won't even stay on the shelves. You know they are dripping sexuality. They are vivid sensual experiences. Fucking bleeding eroticism. Don't push me on this shit again, Irina." My voice is deadly calm now, my feet planted on the roots of the oak tree, free hand on my hip, still grasping the sweating bottle of water. I can feel a few beads of sweat from the cold bottle drip onto my bare leg.

"Be reasonable." She tries one more time.

"Don't. End of conversation. I know what I'm doing, Irina, and I won't have my creative license taken away in hopes of making a few more dollars. Tell your funders to find someone else to be their puppet; they can find another author to write best selling smut and I'll find someone else to do business with."

"Ok, ok. You're busy! I shouldn't have called so soon after your move. You're probably just tired. We'll talk soon, ok Babe? Ciao!" Irina hangs up without finishing the conversation, the battle is over for now and I feel triumphant.

"Christ!" I mutter to myself and shake my head before sliding the phone into my back pocket. I turn around to see several pairs of wide eyes, a few twitching lips threatening to melt into wide grins, and a jaw dropped Edward.

"What?" I ask, replaying the conversation in my head, realizing what they must've heard. "Oh, um… sorry. Work?" It comes out more like a question than an explanation.

Emmett is the first to crack. "Holy hell, Baby Bells! You kiss your mama with that mouth? Never thought I'd hear 'anal' and 'ménage a trois' in the same breath from little sis! That's hot girl!"

"Jesus, Em," Edward admonishes, always the big brother out to protect my virtue.

Jake is choking on a slice of watermelon while Leah claps him on the back with one hand and tries cover her mouth with her other hand, stifling her laugh. Jared and Paul are snickering and even Emily tries to hide a smile. Rose is just staring at me like I'm the second coming of Christ or a Jimmy Choo clearance sale.

Alice gives me a knowing look when Jasper drawls, "Well, Darlin', I've read your work. Alice keeps a copy of every book on our nightstand at home. But hearing it from your mouth? Well, that sure is hotter than a Texas cactus!" He smirks.

Jasper always was a team player, and I love him for it. And he is now about to become my scapegoat. Not only was I about to put the embarrassment on him and Alice, I was going to show my old friends that little Bella is all grown up.

Slowly, I kneel at the edge of the blanket. Slinking across the fleece material, I glance down at the high school crest of my friends' teen years. I crawl seductively to where Jasper is sitting with Alice in his lap. Alice gives me a wink that's so brief, I almost miss it. Encouraged, I continue my mission.

"Jazz?" I ask, trying to make my voice husky but not really sure it's working with my old platonic friend.

Jasper swallows hard and glances between my lips and Alice's face. His eyes dancing with a mischief that probably matches my own. "Yeah, Darlin'?"

I can tell all eyes are on me and for once, I rather enjoy the attention. _Watch this, _I think. I lean in slowly, my lips between Alice and Jasper's heads. I feel both Alice's short brown hair and Jasper's soft blonde curls tickling my cheeks, a sure sign that they have both leaned in closely to hear whatever secret may come forth from this position. Letting the hand that's wrapped around the bottle of water support my weight, I raise my other hand to hide my words from the rest of the group. From this position I whisper, verbatim, the dirtiest, raunchiest, most arousing passage from my last best-selling novel. It takes just a few seconds, but even I need to discreetly squeeze my thighs together to relieve some of the building pressure by the time I'm finished.

When I pull back and sit on my heels, Jasper's eyes are dark and even Alice's look a bit glazed over, like she's seeing something that's not there.

Suddenly, Jasper stands, yanking Alice with him. "We'll be right back, y'all," he states darkly. Alice giggles and jogs to keep up with his long strides as they disappear into the wooded area.

"Jesus, what did you do to the boy?" Rose asks with a little pride in her voice.

**A/N**

**Thank you for the support of so many of my favorite fic authors! Special snaps and smooches to JamesRamsey, without whom I would have lost the fight with my self control, dumped my plot, and committed the ultimate twi-fic-sin of hooking my lead characters up about two seconds after the "hello's". **

**Also, thank you for the special support of ManiacMotherland and In Love With a Crooked Smile for their warm wishes and guidance!**

**This is my first fanfic and I welcome and invite constructive, supportive feedback. One of the best parts of this kind of medium is that we can come together as a community of passionate readers and writers to experience a great story together! Please review!**

**POLL/QUESTION: more updates, fewer words? Or more words, fewer updates? Most of this was written over a week ago, but I wanted to add more before posting. I also intend for much, much more in this chapter, but was aching to get it out there. Your preferences?**


	6. Chapter 6

**For those of you who like a little gore, a little sass, and a little citrus - - I hope I do it justice! ;)**

**And yes, it's been nearly 9 months since I posted to this story. I won't make excuses or promises about the next update, but it's in the works and I'm inspired by reviews!**

**A/N: I do not own Twilight or any recognizable bits. **

**Warning: This story is meant for mature audiences. Please be advised that there will be adult language and adult situations, including violence and sexuality. If you are offended by or tender about these things, or under age, please find another fic to read. There are so many great ones, don't waste your time with something that's not a good fit for you. **

**Please see A/N at end of chapter.**

**Happy reading!**

Last time…

_I can tell all eyes are on me and for once, I rather enjoy the attention. Watch this, I think. I lean in slowly, my lips between Alice and Jasper's heads. I feel both Alice's short brown hair and Jasper's soft blonde curls tickling my cheeks, a sure sign that they have both leaned in closely to hear whatever secret may come forth from this position. Letting the hand that's wrapped around the bottle of water support my weight, I raise my other hand to hide my words from the rest of the group. From this position I whisper, verbatim, the dirtiest, raunchiest, most arousing passage from my last best-selling novel. It takes just a few seconds, but even I need to discreetly squeeze my thighs together to relieve some of the building pressure by the time I'm finished._

_When I pull back and sit on my heels, Jasper's eyes are dark and even Alice's look a bit glazed over, like she's seeing something that's not there._

_Suddenly, Jasper stands, yanking Alice with him. "We'll be right back, y'all," he states darkly. Alice giggles and jogs to keep up with his long strides as they disappear into the wooded area._

"_Jesus, what did you do to the boy?" Rose asks with a little pride in her voice._

Returning to our story…

For the briefest moment I relish this attention, the ease of a small laugh, the delight of a successful prank, the flash of admiration in my friends' eyes before the standard questioning and pity replace the humor.

Sighing, I feel the moment fly away on the slight breeze that rustles loose pieces of hair around my face and neck. I turn to address Rose's question but instead catch Edward's eye. He's looking at me with a slight blush and I realize my own blush is now burning across my cheeks. Edward clears his throat, smirks, and shakes his head all at once. It's as if he can't decide whether to be amused or shocked by my un-lady like behavior. He stretches out one toned, inked arm, and for the second time today, returns my red plastic plate of food. He must've picked it up after I set it down to create my diversion by messing with Jasper and Alice. Stupid how my solution to drawing attention _away_ from myself is to bring shallow attention _to_ myself.

"Oh, sorry, E! Got a little carried away there. Thanks." I murmur, not sure anymore if I feel brazen or shy or both.

"No problem, Bella," Edward responds with a crooked smile, easily recovering from whatever discomfort I caused with my antics.

I hear conversation pick up again as I plop down on the fleece blanket with more grace than I've shown thus far today. I'm feeling more confident than I have in awhile too. Despite my trepidation of seeing the pity and disappointment in my old friends' faces, I have to admit that it feels good to be here.

The picnic is, so far, less painful than I had feared. I share the blankets with my old summer time friends, listening to their stories and laughing at their teasing of one another. The feeling is a familiar one: partly comfortable in my detachment and separateness from the group, but aching to be truly part of them.

I always did slip in smoothly in my summer visits, as if a whole school year of drama, excitement, adventures, and life didn't happen. Alice, Rose and Jake always kept in touch with letters and phone calls. We'd every exchange gifts every Christmas from thousands of miles away. I remember Emmett and Edward teasing me or shouting in the background while I was chatting with Rose or Alice long distance. And one time they were screaming and cussing in the background when I tearfully confided in Alice about a boy that didn't quite take "no" for an answer on a date. Once I managed to explain that I ended up doing more damage to my date than he did to me, the Cullen brothers ceased their screaming and threats and toned it down to discontented murmurs. I wonder if that boy's testicle ever dropped back down from where I lodged it…

But I always felt slightly let down by my role as the summer time visitor, never really a member, but simultaneously grateful to at least have that small niche. Perhaps it's why Jake and I always fit together so well; all of the Quileutes have experiences of feeling like outsiders off rez. But at least once he was back on the reservation Jake could experience what it was like to be an insider again. I've never had the feeling of being home or being fully part of a family. And now I never would. If I never fit anywhere before, I certainly won't now. Not with the choices I've made, the darkness that's crept into my soul.

"_Please, please stop. Don't do this. Please," I begged him. I cried out to God, to my parents, to the soul of my grandmother. _

"_You think anyone can hear you? You think anyone cares what I do to you, Isabella?" My name rolled off of his tongue like a curse. And I was cursed. Only the damned could be in hell, and this was hell._

"_Please… Please… Ahh!" I screamed out as another lash of stabbing pain broke me._

"_Your blood is mine. Your body is mine. And your soul is mine," he spoke coldly, too calmly. Then, as he toyed with the blade on my skin, began to yell in earnest. "You are mine!" he roared. "I am the only one who can discipline your kind of filth, who can tolerate you and your ugliness. You are MINE!"_

Suddenly, I warm hand was on my shoulder and I jerked away, startled. "Bella? You ok, B?"

It took me a moment to see Rose and her glowing beauty for who she was, and not a greasy haired torturer who claimed to have loved me.

"Yeah," I panted, "I'm good. What's ah, what's up?" I tried to sound casual, but could tell from her furrowed brow that I was failing.

"You just seemed a million miles away for a bit, that's all. Wanna come with me to watch the boys play football? I think they only do it to make us girls swoon." Rose was attempting a nonchalant smile now, but hadn't quite softened the small crease that lingered between her perfectly shaped brows.

"Sure, let's go." I stood up and dusted myself off, helping Rose and all her pregnant glory to her feet. It seemed like we were the last two left as most of our friends has already started to wander over to the makeshift field, or were already at the field dividing into teams. I could make out Emmett and Jake play shoving each other around while the other guys milled about. The girls were stretching out in the sun and giggling amongst each other like girls tend to do around beautiful men who are about to flaunt their virility. Jasper and Alice return in time for the game, looking giddy and slightly mussed. Jasper winks at me as he saunters over to the guys.

As Rose started to head towards the picnic tables where the other girls were sitting, I said, "Hey Ro?"

"Yeah, honey?"

"I'm just going to clean some of this up. I'll be over in a second, k?" I wave over at the blankets and scattered plates and food, trying to smile but knowing it looked more like a grimace. My heart was still racing from the flashback.

"Sure, Bells. I'll save you a seat." She grabbed a bottle of water and gave a small wave.

Sighing I try to remind myself to take deep calming breaths as I lean against the picnic table with one hand and start piling garbage with the other. This must be what Dr. Vera meant. She told me that flashbacks can be caused from all sorts of things, even feeling good. If my body starts getting excited, it feels the same as it does when it gets afraid. And right now, my brain is so fucked up from _him_, that it can get its signals crossed and react this way to bad triggers or good experiences. I've only just started jogging again because the increased heart rate caused panic attacks at first.

Shit! This is the first time that something like this has happened though. I forcefully start tossing garbage into the green, metal garbage bin.

What was I doing when this came on? Just sitting there. Thinking about how nice this was, how I missed it, how I've never quite belonged, how I don't belong, and then it spiraled into remembering _him_ telling me how I don't belong anywhere but with him. Fuck! I snap lids onto food containers and rifle through coolers to consolidate the left over ice with the remaining drinks.

Soon, the picnic site is straightened up and I'm noticeably calmer. My heartbeat has returned to normal, and so have my shallow breaths. Feeling like I can face my friends without freaking out, I straighten my shoulders and head over to where they are all watching or playing the football game.

Near us the blankets I share with a pregnant Rose and a post-orgasmic Alice are Emily, Leah, Claire, and others. If I'm hearing correctly, our guys are currently arguing about who "gets" to be skins.

"Come on, Eddie! You know we want to see that sexy ink," Emmett fake whines and makes a kissy face at Edward.

Edward laughs, showing his white teeth and throwing his head back as Emmett taps him on the stomach. He fakes left, then right, and then grabs Emmett around the neck. Both men break free and are chuckling.

Paul and Jared are wrestling and I hear Quill mutter to Seth, "Five bucks Paul takes him."

"You're on," Seth agrees nodding enthusiastically.

It doesn't really matter who takes his shirt off at this point. Each of us girls is sitting a bit more erect and paying a bit more attention than we would in colder weather. The man feast is about to start with an ab and pec buffet, regardless of who it is. I can tell the girls closest to me are all but panting in anticipation; Lord knows I am. In my periphery I see Rose lower her sunglasses slyly.

"Really, Ro?" I tease.

"Shut it, bitch," she nudges me with her shoulder but never breaks focus off of her husband, who happens to be looking her direction and toying with the hem of his shirt.

"Both of you shut it and watch this," Alice sighs in her all knowing way.

Unbeknownst to us who were distracted by the soon to be eye candy show, another group of men approach the field and begin to interact with our boys.

"Is that who the fuck I think it is?" I ask.

"Yep," Rose pops the 'p' on the word. "Mike Newton, Eric Yorkie, Tyler Crowley, and all the leftover Forks losers," she continues dryly.

"They're not "losers", they just…" Alice tries to be nice but is unsure how to finish the sentence.

"They just never grew up, still hit on everything in a skirt, and still think their beer guts and greasy nails are God's greatest gift to women everywhere," Rose finishes with a snort.

Leah interrupts our judging, "Holy shit."

We jerk our heads back to the field and all our boys are now all bare chested and playing for the "skins". Emmett, Jake, Jasper, Edward, and some of the remaining Quileutes are all practically sparkling in the sun. Mike, Tyler, and Eric and their buddies some how lost the coin flip and – thank Jesus – are wearing their t-shirts.

"Sweet baby Jesus," I mutter. Seeing my old friends glistening and flexing in the sun is quite the afternoon treat.

"Heh, heh, heh," Rose cackles.

Alice is gripping my arm so hard I'm worried she'll live little pixie shaped bruises.

"Now _that _is quite the sight," Leah says appreciatively.

I take my time, trying to catch my breath and keep my heart rate under control. No freaking way a panic attack will keep me from this thing of beauty. I appreciate (briefly) my friends' husbands, but keep my eyes moving out of politeness and propriety. But then my eyes find, like a magnet, their target. My gaze stops and stays on Edward. Fuuuuuuck!

Shit was that out loud? Alice is smirking and I cover my possible slip with a cough. I reach up to make sure my sunglasses are still in place, hoping for a modicum of anonymity with their presence.

Edward's shorts are dipped low on his hips with boxer briefs peaking out the top, displaying his perfect, lickable 'V'. His six-pack abs and pecks are amazing. Edward has always been gorgeous and toned, but he has developed into quite the… well… _man_.

Unexpectedly, Edward jogs over to our blanket and drops his shirt and sunglasses in front of me and with a smile asks,"Hey B! Keep an eye on these for me?"

"Ungh… I mean, s-sure," I stutter out, trying to maintain eye contact rather than ogling the way the ink licks his skin or the way his stomach flexed when he bent down.

"Thanks!" Edward winks and trots off like a prized stallion. From this vantage point I can get a clearer look at his tattoos. There's a back piece of a winged dragon that extends down his arms. On one side is the dragon's fire, wrapped around his bicep and finishing on his forearm. On the other is the dragon's tail, mirroring the fire. The piece is large, but not so big that it hides his well-defined, natural lines and muscles, nor the texture of the blank canvas of his skin.

But the tatt that has my mouth watering is one on his hip. I couldn't quite make it out with it being partially covered by his cargo shorts and me struggling to not jump up and yank his shorts off to get a better look. But I wanted to lick it, slowly. That was unquestionable.

Before I can spend too much time watching the muscles twist and writhe beneath Edward's skin as he throws the ball, my vision is blocked suddenly by a piece of fabric.

"Hey Hells Bells! Watch mine too?" Emmet has just chucked his shirt at my face. He too gives me a wink and trots away, flexing his biceps at Rose.

"God damn it, Emmett," I grumble, blushing from being caught ogling his brother.

After I quickly throw Emmett's shirt at his wife, Rose gives me a smirk and whistles at her husband, clapping and calling for a good game.

Alice's grip on my arm loosens as she waves at Jasper, "Score big for me, Honey!" Jasper does his own version of a mating dance and flicks a few curls of hair out of his eyes, exposing the lines of his throat. "Mmm mmm mmm!" Alice hums.

"This'll be fun," Leah declares, her eyes clearly on Jacob stretching his calves.

"Which part?" I choke out the question.

"Watching the boys kick some ass while they're on the same damn side for once," she replies.

"Yeah, and not listening to them badger each other about who cheated," adds Emily.

"Or who grabbed whose ass," Claire pipes up.

"Yeah, they'll win for sure now. You know what that means," Alice says in a singsong voice. "Victory sex!"

"Better than sorry-you're-a-big-whiney-baby-and-you-lost-so-let-me-make-you-feel-like-a-big-strong-man-sex," says Rose while rolling her eyes. We all giggle as Leah pretends to pout and Claire pretends to console her.

As the boys start lining up, I pull my attention from their trash talking and take in the scenery. The girls and I are spread across blankets on a soft rise in the ground, slightly shaded by the large trees behind us. The grass is green and cool to the touch in spite of the warm sun. Behind our beautiful men is the beach and the Pacific ocean, reflecting a brilliant blue sky as the backdrop to the best skins vs. shirts football game ever played. Well, maybe not the best _played_, but certainly the best to _watch._

"Look at that ass," mumbles Leah.

"Which one?" asks Alice as if in a trance.

My attention snaps back to the game as Edward snaps the ball to Jasper. Jazz runs for a first down before being tagged by Mike Newton. Watching Mike pick up the ball and toss it to Edward, I see recognition in his eyes. He says something to Jasper, whose eyes flicker to me before he nods briefly. A slow smile crosses Mike's all American face and he waves at me excitedly. "Ah crap," I mutter to myself.

"Well, nothing changes in Forks Bella," Rose says gloomily.

"Huh?" I turn to her, pretending I hadn't seen Mike.

"Newton is still looking for a bit of attention from you, B. You better wave before he gets out of hand," Alice answers.

Reluctantly, knowing I can't put up the façade of distraction if I want to watch the game, I look up to see Mike still waving and tipping up on his toes as if that'll help draw my attention more assuredly. I give a small smile and a halfhearted wave. Mike's grin widens and he winks (what is with all the damn winking around here?) right before a gruff shout from Edward for Newton to get back in the game.

Mike has always been a flirt. He's a nice enough guy, but there's never been any interest form me. My summers here were short enough without distracting myself from the people I actually wanted to spend time with. Mike is cute enough, and he seems to have grown into himself well enough too. But his blonde hair and blue eyes just don't send a thrill through me the way a certain bronze headed, green eyed Adonis can. Besides, even a good buddy like Mike would run screaming from the room if he saw the marks _he_ put on me.

The game seems to be getting more intense now. Instead of tags, there are shoves, hits, and tackles. We can't hear the trash talk between the teams from our perch in the grass, but occasional narrowed eyes, glances in our direction, and the set of Edward and Jake's jaws tells me things are getting a bit ugly.

Regardless of the concern for the boys' safety, we sure as hell are enjoying the show! Flexing, sweating, grunting, stretching. Lithe muscles rippling under taut skin. Sure hands gripping the ball. Smooth, strong backs. Small trails of soft, downy hair dipping below waistbands.

Despite loving football from a childhood living with sports fanatic parents, I am not tracking the game at all. I have no idea what the score is, which down we are on, or even which quarter we're in. Are they even playing quarters? I clapped when the girls clapped and pouted when they booed. It's all a sexy, sweaty, haze to me.

But that drop of sweat trailing down Edward's shoulder blade, pooling in the small of his back? _That _I could narrate a two-hour documentary on. The way his arm and shoulder muscles flex as he snaps the ball? I could write a friggin' sonnet about that. The way his eyes darken in concentration or his deep laugh rumbles when Emmett or Jasper crack a joke? I could remember that on my deathbed.

And in fact, I did. I did remember it on my deathbed. As _he _pushed me closer to death, aye as I begged for _him_ to end me or let me go, it was Edward's eyes, his smile, that flashed through my mind. But best not think about that here. I take an unsteady breath to call myself back to this time and place.

Alice, misunderstanding the reason for my sigh, says "I know, right? Looks like they're coming over for some refreshment."

Within a moment our boys were standing in the shade with us, digging through coolers for beers and water. The girls and I stand to greet them with Alice and I each taking an arm and helping a pregnant Rose to her feet.

I have to force back a moan when I see Edward lick his lips and wipe the sweat from his upper lip with the back of his hand. I immediately have images of the same motion as he would rise from between my thighs.

Biting my lip and looking down to cover my rising blush, I don't see Newton working his way toward me.

"Bella? Bella Swan?" Mike asks hopefully.

"Oh!" I feign surprise, though I knew this was coming eventually. "Hey Mike," I respond dully.

"I heard the rumors that you were coming home, but I didn't believe it!" He stands too close and his smile is too wide. Not a predator like the one who hurt me, just over eager and a ignorant, like he doesn't realize his advances are unwelcome.

"Well, here I am!"

"Yes. Yes you are," he draws out slowly, licking his lips and checking out my legs. "And look at how much you've… grown up."

"Good game out there," I offer, trying to ease my own discomfort. I glance over my shoulder looking for someone to rescue me from this awkwardness. Mike probably is interpreting my desperate attempts to distance myself as ways to sneak off with him or something. Poor dumb jock.

"Thanks!" Mike grins like I gave him a direct compliment about his athletic prowess rather than the polite attempt at small talk that I was offering. "So…" he begins.

"So…?" I give back, hoping I didn't just leave a door open by being a bit playful.

"So, now that you're back, maybe you and I could go out sometime?"

Oh shit. Does this kid ever give up? "Mike, I'm not…"

"Oh! I mean, you are single right?" He has the wherewithal to look a bit sheepish, realizing he should've known this before he asked me out. "I thought your dad told my mom that you were…"

"No, no, I'm single," but with plenty of baggage, I think silently.

"Great! So about that date…" he goes on, looking hopeful again.

"Listen, Mike…" I start but he interrupts again.

"Not here in Forks, of course. Maybe a nice place in Port Angeles. The drive could give us time to…" his eyes dart to my legs briefly "… catch up." He looks so hopeful, his boyish face lit up and sweet.

I feel myself considering the date. Wondering what it would be like to be out with someone new, someone harmless and simple. If I'd feel safe and have fun, if I'd let him kiss me. Mike seems to take my silence as a good sign because he reaches up to put a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

He never gets the chance, however, because at that moment another arm rests itself on my shoulder and pulls me back a few inches. I've kept my balance with the support of the masculine body behind me and Mike's hand never finds purchase on my hair. One deep breath in tells me it'd Edward next to me. His scent of cologne, sun, and man filling my nostrils.

"Mike," Edward says in a tone I could only guess is conveying brotherly protection.

"Hey Ed. Good game, huh? I'm surprised you were able to get so many good throws in given your new, softer nature." Mike's hand has drifted down to his hip now while Edward's arm tenses around my shoulders. I can feel the warmth of his body against my side and even some of his down leg hair touching my bare calf. What softer nature? What are they talking about? I glance at Edward.

"Well Mike, you know what they say. When you got it you just got it. And when you don't, well…" He trails off and gestures in Mike's direction. Edward's tone seems cryptic to me, but I get the impression that he's warning Mike.

As nice as it feels in Edward's arms just then, as safe as it feels, like coming _home_, I suddenly feel enraged. How dare he pull this big brother shit! I'm a grown woman and I can look after myself (with one notable exception, I suppose). But fuck! He doesn't want me, so who does he think he is to keep other interested parties away. My decision is stupid and unfair, but the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"Mike here was just asking me out to dinner, Edward. Do you know any good restaurants in Port Angeles? Any recommendations?" Edward's eyes get big and then narrow. I try not to notice how close said eyes are to my face and bite my lip. His eyes flicker to my mouth and I small smirk crosses his beautiful face. Shit. He's on to me. Always so easy to read, my mother said!

"Well, Isabella," he croons. I shudder a bit at the sound of my full name pouring from his lips and the feel of his breath on my ear. I'm in so much trouble. "I'm sure Mike knows plenty of good restaurants given all the women he's brought to PA the last few years. He's very… _experienced_. Isn't that right, Mike?" Edward finishes with another smirk to Mike.

You wanna play, Edward? Fine. Let's play.

"Hmm… Well, that's good. I'd hate to drive _all_ the way out there and pick a restaurant that turns out to be _unsatisfying_. There's nothing worse than going to all that effort to primp and preen and _shave_ and _get in the mood_ and then the guy just _can't get you there_. I'm sure Mike's expertise will pay off for me, you know? I'm sure he knows _all_ the right places." I watch Edward's eyebrows raise and his jaw flex. Stupid sexy, flexing jaw.

Mike watches our banter looking confused but he hasn't lost that same hopeful damn look, like a puppy that's hoping for a treat but isn't quite sure he did the trick right.

"I suppose," Edward hedges, "it is important for a man to satisfy his date."

_Jesus_, I think.

"But what if he just takes you to the same tired old place? I mean, how will he know what _you_ like? It could be… anticlimactic." The smirk is back.

"Well it's a good thing I have such a diverse palette. I like it hot and spicy, or rich and savory. And as intense as a meal is, no matter what it's _taste_, or if it leaves you _sweating_ and feeling so _full_, it's nice to finish with something sticky and sweet. You could do that for me, right Mike?" I turn to Mike and bat my lashes unnecessarily. He's already tipping up on his toes again. "You'd make sure the restaurant meets _all_ my needs?" I even pout my lips a little as Mike's eyes wander over my curves again.

"Hell yes I will, Bella! I know just the place. You'll love it. Be more than satisfied." Mike wags his eyebrows and I'm actually impressed for a moment that he's tracking better than I anticipated he would.

I smile and feel Edward pull me a bit more firmly against his body for a moment.

"Well, it's all settled then. If you'll excuse me." Edward excuses himself. Game. Set. Match. He let's go of my should and I'm immediately cold despite the warm sunny day and wonder what I just won.

"So when should we do this?" Mike asks, eager as ever.

"Do what?" I ask distractedly, watching Edward walk over to the cooler and pull out a beer while Jake and Emmett approach him, glancing our way suspiciously.

"Umm… go to dinner? You said yes?" Mike answers, but it sounds more like a question.

Ah crap. My temper is calmer now and seeing the sweet boy in front of me I feel bad for using him to exert my independence and make a point to "big brother" Edward. "Right, of course. Could you give me a few days? I'm still unpacking and getting settled. How about next weekend sometime?" I ask apologetically.

"Sure, Bella!" Mike replies enthusiastically and with his typical warm smile. "Sounds great, I'll call you?"

"Sure, Mike. Let me give you my number." I type my number into his phone and smile softly, hoping this will be less awkward than I expect.

"Great Bella. Can't wait." Mike leans forward and I brace myself for his kiss on my cheek, but his eyes catch something over my shoulder and he just smiles instead, jogging off to meet his friends.

I sigh wondering what I got myself into and turn around to help my friends clean up. Emmett and Edward are stilling chatting by the cooler. I can see him run a hand agitatedly through his hair.

Jake approaches me in a few big strides. "So you finally said yes to Newton," he states.

"Yep," I respond, popping the 'p' slightly but not giving anything else away. I always seem to forget how fast news travels in this small town.

Jake puts an arms around my shoulders like Edward had earlier and steers me away from the group. He quickly bends down and whispers, "If you're hoping to make him jealous B, it's working." And as quick as it came, he's gone with a brilliant white smile and a slap to my ass. What the hell is he talking about?

As bewildered as I am about what and who he's referring to, and if he suspects my decade-long crush on Edward, I take Jake's bid to play like we always have. I'm grateful my old friends are so welcoming, even if I fear their pity. Quickly I kick off my sandals and start running through the cool, soft grass after Jake. "You get back here you big oaf! Don't you run away like a coward!" I yell.

I'm smiling so hard my long unused cheek muscles are sore and my giggle sounds foreign to my own ears as I chase Jake down. He's ridiculously faster than I am of course, and more coordinated too. But this is an old game and we both know our parts well.

Alice and Rose are cheering me on while Leah yells the loudest, "Make him pay, Bells!"

Jake let's me catch up to him and he whirls around, threatening to throw douse me in water from his open bottle.

"You wouldn't!" I declare with as much venom as I can muster through my ridiculously wide smile.

"Oh wouldn't I, baby Bells?" He asks with a devilish smile.

I realize he would. And he could easily get to me in one long stride. "Wait, Jake. Let's talk about this," I plead as I put my hands up and start backing away slowly.

"What happened to 'get back here' and 'don't run away from me like a coward'?" he teases.

"You're right," I stand from my defensive crouch and feign surrender before moving as quickly as I can to pounce him.

Jake's eyes get big, but he twists and catches me piggyback style as I try to tickle his ribs. Instead he pretends to drop me, only barely hanging on to one of my legs with one arm and threatening me with the open water bottle in the other hand.

Soon we're both laughing, but I'm hanging precariously by one foot and hand, trying to fend off splashes of water and shrieking for Jake to fight like a man.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Emmett and Edward stalking closer. Emmett looks like a bear stalking his prey and Edward looks like a giant cat; both deadly, but different in their movements. I try to distract Jake with extra cackling and pleading, hoping the Cullen men are going to tackle Jake and not gang up on me. Either seems plausible given how we've play-wrestled through the years.

My last plea of "Jake! Don't you dare drop me! I'll see to it that Leah doesn't give you any for a week! No, not a week, a month!" is ended with a loud "whoop!" from me as I am grabbed by a pair of strong hands and lugged upside down over his gorgeous shoulder. From this view I am staring at Edward's delectable ass while Emmet dumps an entire cooler of ice water over Jake's head.

The girls are gripping their sides they're laughing so hard and Rose looks like she has tears in her eyes as her round Belly jiggles.

"Where are we going exactly?" I ask curiously and in a tone of nonchalance like this is my preferred and usual means of travel across flat surfaces. Edward collects my things from Alice's hands and the girls take turns swatting my exposed butt cheeks in goodbye.

"I'm taking you to your truck before you get into any more trouble," he chuckles. I feel the bounce of his shoulders on my abdomen and try not to obsess over Edward's hand holding my bare thigh to his bare chest.

All too soon my view of Edward's rump and strong thighs disappears and I find myself standing upright next to my truck. As I catch my breath and the blood flows back into my body, I tip a bit. Edward tips his sunglasses back on his head. "Whoa there, Bella. You ok?" he asks with a smile, his warm hands gripping my hips.

"Sure sure," the old expression floats off my tongue easily, but I feel dizzy more from his gorgeous hands on my broken body, his brilliant smile shining just for me, and his sun kissed sculpted chest than the head rush from being upside down.

Getting my wits back about me I grin and tease, "So ninja, footballer, protective big brother, and now caveman. You've had a big day."

Something flashes across Edward's eyes before I can identify it and his lips part like he's about to say something. Shaking his head he settles on cocky with a sexy smirk, "Caveman?"

"You did just throw me over your shoulder and haul me away like a Neanderthal during mating season, did you not?"

Edward blushes slightly but the smirk doesn't falter.

"So to what do I owe the pleasure, Caveman?"

"You're a hard woman to get alone, Bella. Everyone's so glad you're home." Edward's eyes soften and his voice does too.

I make a small humming noise and drop my eyes from his face to my sandal as I move a few pebbles with my toe.

"Listen, Bella… I actually want to apologize for back there with Newton. I'm not sure… I mean, I might've… I could've…" He sighs before he continues and waits for me to make eye contact again. When I look up he goes on, "I'm sorry if I got involved in a conversation that I should've stayed out of. I feel… very… protective… of you. And to think of you with… Anyway, I'm sorry."

Watching him struggle to apologize softens my irritation. I'm not upset he tried to get between me and Mike, I'm upset he didn't get between me and Mike because he wants me for himself. "It's fine, Edward. Really. You're an important part of my life, all of you are. Any guy who is important will need to get used to those big brother antics from you and the guys anyway, right?" My voice sounds flat to me with the last sentence, but I'm not sure where this conversation came from or where it's going.

Edward's eyebrows furrow and it's his turn to look down.

"Not that Mike Newton is important," I blurt out quickly, assuming it's Edward's disapproval that's creasing his beautiful face and wanting to fix it. "Just… you know, I don't care what he thinks. It's all in good fun, right?" I ramble.

"Yeah, sure," Edward lifts his sunglasses off his head to run his other hand through is hair. I take the opportunity to ogle his triceps.

Edward looks over my shoulder at our friends and sighs. "There's something else I wanted to say too, Bella."

A frown crosses my face. What the heck? Does he not want me here? Is he worried I'll disappear again and hurt his sister?

"It's about what Alice and Rose did for you," he continues looking sheepish. One hand is still scratching the back of his head and the other is now stuffed in the pocket of his deliciously drooping cargo shorts.

"What do you…" I start, curiously at the same time Edward goes on, "You should know…" We both stop and chuckle.

"Go ahead, I interrupted you," I say sounding more relaxed than I am knowing there's something Edward got me away from the group to say.

He smiles, "No worries. I just thought I should tell you, well somebody should tell you…"

"Edward!" Alice shrieks, popping out of nowhere and throwing her thin arms around one of her brother's well-muscled biceps. "I need you over here," she says with a smile but with a cryptic gleam in her eye that doesn't match. "We should let Bella get home and rest, she has a big week ahead, getting settled and all that." Alice is still clinging to him in a death grip, tugging him away.

"Fine," Edward huffs. "I'll be there in a second."

Why is he so short with her?

"Ok, just keep it short. You promised," she replies firmly. Turning to me she cheerfully adds, "See you Bella! Remember we're meeting for lunch tomorrow after your appointment!"

"Ok, Pixie. Tomorrow," I reply. "Man, she's a whirlwind," I say to Edward. "Never know if she's coming or going!"

"For sure." Edward smiles.

"Some things never change in Forks, including Alice's Tasmanian devil tendencies," I joke. "So what were you saying before your sister pounced you?" I ask tentatively.

"Oh, um, it's just that…"

"Edward, come on!" Alice shouts across the parking lot.

"Just," he sighs, "Welcome home, Bella. It's good to have you back. We've missed you. I've missed you." He smiles warmly but the line between his brows hasn't relaxed.

"Thanks, Edward. That means a lot. I've missed you all a lot too." I feel pulled in to his gaze and take a deep breath, breathing him in. But the spell is quickly broken by the honking of a horn.

Edward just smiles, places his aviators back over his eyes and saunters over to his sister.

As I crawl up into my truck I watch as some of the people I love most in the world pile into cars, vans, and motorcycles. Jake and Leah, holding hands but playfully teasing each other. Emmett walking with Rose, one hand around her back and the other on her growing belly. Alice, Jasper and Edward packing Jasper's jeep and talking.

Some things never change: life is full of contradictions. I have always felt like Forks is my home, though I don't fully belong. Edward is gorgeous and wonderful, but completely unattainable. The boys will be my protectors. The girls will be my supporters. And none of them will know what to do with me when they find out how broken I am. And in spite of all of this uncertainty; I'm home.

**A/N: Yay for long (over due) chapters! I'd love to hear your thoughts!**

**Next time: Bella's first massage appointment!**

**Smooches,**

**FairyPrietess**


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